i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
