I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
did you just send me my own nude
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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