Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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