On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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