Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
