just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize