I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize