you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
COCAINE IS GR8
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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