My hand turned me down
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
