Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
