There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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