Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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