I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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