he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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