I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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