I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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