you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
