Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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