At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize