My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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