were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I enjoy the company of your penis
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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