i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
