just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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