hell yes lets make some ravioli
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
