i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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