if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
