How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
