Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
