upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
