hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
