It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Pants are for mortals
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
