Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
