the condom got lost in my hair
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
