he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
