He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
