Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
