i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
