Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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