WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
