I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
