Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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