Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
