dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
