im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
