Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
