shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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