I smell stomach acid.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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