we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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