Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Randomize
