who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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