I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
