Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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