Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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