i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
