My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
