i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
