I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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