I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
