broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We are two peas in an std pod
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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